Overcoming Codependent and Enabling Relationships

Overcoming Codependent and Enabling Relationships - Dr. Diva Verdun

Attempting to rescue others from their pain, problems, and suffering creates co-dependent relationships that bring the enabling or rescuing partner more pain.  It creates a one-sided relationship where one partner works desperately to make the relationship work, caring more about the relationship itself than they care about their relationship with self.  They essentially become a self-imposed victim, suffering frequent abuse or emotionally destructive behavior. Meanwhile, the other partner rides the relationship wave until it plays out to meet their own needs without care of the health of the relationship or the other person.

Codependency is an emotional disorder, where one partner will do virtually anything to maintain the relationship, because their own self-esteem is so low that they may not feel they are worthy of better.  Low self-esteem, which is brought on by relationship trauma suffered during childhood or from a broken heart, triggers these emotional disorders. The sufferer forfeits their own well-being and values in the pursuit of assisting someone else, either giving frequent one-sided financial assistance and large sums of money, taking on more than their share of the work, or nurturing and self-sacrificing to an extent of resentment.  These relationships force the codependent person to be downtrodden and oppressed, suffering either emotional or physical abuse, or both, as they continue to form unhealthy relationships with individuals that are emotionally unavailable or detached, needy or irresponsible.

You are not in a relationship to be the mother/father, the bank, the security blanket, or the clean up crew.  Relationships are about cooperation, not compromise to the extent one person must give up a part of themselves for the other person to be happy.  When you have no boundaries in your relationships, you may step into toxic areas that can result in one person enabling the other, which prohibits the growth of both partners.

Overcoming Codependent and Enabling Relationships - Dr. Diva VerdunCodependents are enablers, which jump to rescue those they love. Sadly, they not only prolong their own suffering, but also create an environment that allows the other person to by-step their own issues by never having to face their own pain, meaning both people are unhappy and in need of healing. Playing God in the relationship never will result in the wholesome and rewarding union that you are attempting to build.

The hardest, yet most significant challenge in any relationship is realizing how much you are willing to compromise yourself in order to maintain the relationship and to come to terms with how much you are gaining in return when giving to much of yourself.  As you continue to allow yourself to be fully absorbed in your partners L.I.F.E., to the extent there is no you, you will begin to harbor resentment as the relationship continues to spiral downward, stealing your joy and self-worth.

Codependent/Enabling relationships are always about the compromise of self, where only one person is giving in and the other person is gaining what they feel they want from the relationship.  Healthy and rewarding relationships are about cooperation, where both parties realize each others needs and allow room for individuality and for growth. Sometimes this means you have to step back and trust in the natural growth process that each person must go through, including you.

Stop trying to save your partner from suffering through a process and placing yourself in bondage in the effort to rescue them. You matter as much as they do.  By enabling them, you are also crippling yourself from growing into your own POWER by putting yourself on the back burner to babysit them and shield them from their own pain.  You are standing in the way preventing the necessary growth for both you and your partner by taking on the weight of trying to make everything perfect and/or work-out.  Sometimes things simply don’t work-out to create a space for you to grow.  Let it go and begin to heal your own issues by becoming adept at taking better care of yourself by setting boundaries that keep you from becoming the savior and the clean up crew in your relationships.

The pain you feel as a codependent/enabler means you have compromised yourself to rescue someone else and suffer from the lack of love you desire. All that you have invested in the relationship will not bring you love when you do not feel love for yourself.  You cannot stop other people’s pain or solve their issues, you can only work through your own and gain the courage to let go of your need to attempt to control love in your experience.

The love you so desperately desire begins with love of self, and the best way to begin loving yourself is in setting the necessary boundaries and terms that free you to say no and be OK with standing-up for yourself.  You begin then to realize that Spirit is saying YES to your needs being met, and also takes care of all those you love without you having to come to the rescue.  You are now trusting that Spirit is working everything out for the highest and greatest good of all that are involved, even if that good means the end of the particular relationship.  It’s all OK… LET GO AND KNOW!!!

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